shock. numb. sad.

i've never seen many deaths in my life of 18 years so far and this one was a shock to me. nobody expected it, nobody knows why.

you were so smiley, bubbly everytime, everyday.

everybody loved you and there would be people who are willing to carry your pain for you. you just didnt have to resort to -that-. exclassmate in sec sch. 403 somemore. ex fellow spsl in the same exco board too. and you was forever the optimistic one, encouraging everyone on when we thought the events were not going to be able to make it. in class you were the kai xin guo, bringing laughter and injecting joy into our daily lifes.

got to know you since sec 1. when you were my primary sch good friend's good friend. just like that. we werent in the same house, nor the same CCA, and obviously not the same class. but we knew each other. not acquaintance but FRIEND. there's a big difference. you were the crazy girl who went nuts over bernissa. you were the typical tarbet girl that everybody loved.

end of sec 2, we became fellow psl mates. were in charge of different classes but somehow we became closer. maybe due to the fact that we became classmates in sec3. your sec ones loved you. one even had a crush on you. cant remember her name and i wont be able to confirm it with anybody else. except for you. remember our hesitation in submitting the spsl form in late sec 3 together with yy? and our worrying that we wont be able to become spsls together until the day whereby we were sposed to meet the snrs at the foyer before morning assembly?
after that it was wonderful memories all the day. the interviews that we conducted for the psls, where qihui was busy typing away and you were shooting most of the questions. mrs chia brought food into the career guidance centre for us hungry souls and after that you decided we should all have pizzas to pamper ourselves and the bill totalled up to a scary figure.

after we got our jnrs, remember the busy preparations for psl camp? urban hike when we all made fools of ourselves at orchard road and attracted stares from passers by, the night walk where we had fun scaring all the sec2s? and the lights out where the spsls spent "sleeping time" yakking away on the stage and the psls had a hard time sleeping cos of that.

orientation 01. psl convention. still remember, one sji psf (our batch) commented you looked cute and wanted to ask you out. was it nic foo or someone else? cant remember but i do know that nic foo was trying hard to convince you to go out for dinner when all you wanted to do was to slack and rest in the psl room. or psl carnival? our very own carnival in rgs, our result after slogging out as a board for nearly 4 months. you and the ticketing com, printing and cutting the tickets. and the hell of a time when nearly 25-30 people stayed in the psl room frantically flipping the yellow pages and racking our brains, calling for sponsors.

remember our psl song, voices that care? there are voices around that really care for you... we sang that for investiture. not once but twice, sec 3 and sec 4. do you remember all these?

classwise, remember how you lead us into performing for mrs abraham when she was retiring in sec 3? choosing the song "remember me this way", and u wanting to harmonise the song for the class.. u singing the bridge alone because of your special wonderful voice reaching so high that no one else in the class could except for katerina. sec 4 farewell. we took a photo together. just the 2 of us. i've been staring at that photo since friday.

though we dint get together much after parting for jc, but you constantly remained in my heart. when i thought of the people elsewhere, i thought of you. when i thought of psb, i remembered you. remember class gathering during christmas last year? you were busily trying to get us to admit that we were all attached and yet we werent and you gave us the disbeliving look. how about the softball match this year? it was the last time i saw you. saw the rj contingent but wasnt sure if you were there. saw toh and asked her to get you out if you were in the mass of bright orange. you came hopping out and i was extremely delighted to see you. from you facial expression, im sure you did too. you called out for denise and liana but they just smiled and dint make any plans to come out. only you did. remember how we sat at the steps and talked for so long? how you wanted and tried very hard to drag me right into the rj contingent to cheer the raffles cheer? in the end i only stood at the edge and cheered my heart out for -raffles-.

news came on fri when i walked out of gp class and was going for break. joyce tan caught both me and jun. she told me. the news dint sink in initially until i saw fishball's teary eyes, wanyu's and yuting's red rimmed eyes. grace called fishball when they were having swimming lessons and fishball wasnt swimming. dint even go for break after that. just sat down and thought about all the happy memories we once shared. started crying. dint understand why you chose to do it and i probably will never. couldnt pay attn in maths class after that. ran out of class, hid in the toilet and i broke down completely. zq came out to check on me i told her and she couldnt believe it too. nobody could, really. ms ng was kind and understanding enough. sat with the 403 people during physics lecture. none of us could pay attn. everybody was immersed in their own thoughts. everybody loved you so much. i love you too.

went to st teresa's last evening to see you once last time. your smiley face in the photo caused me and fishball to break down again. walked passed your coffin and saw you for the last time. that's not the you i know. you live in my memories, not there. did you see all of us there, all the 403 people? saw many rgs yearmates there, all there to see you one last time. did you see ms lim, ms ng and mrs tan? they were there too. your rj class was there too. they were visibly tramatised, esp two guys. they miss you dear. we miss you too. mrs chia going down with the spsls today for your last service before your leave for mt vernon. im not going. one last time was enough. i'll really break down and cry again if i go today.

i hope you can hear this, even if you cannot read this.
i told you this many times before but i'll tell you again.
i love you.
i'll always remember you for the way you are, remember you this way.
dont forget, there are really voices that care in this world.
everybody loves you.

justina, rest in peace. may you be happier wherever you are now.