today is the last day of 2003 and i'm staying at home. not that i'm complaining tho, cos i dont mind the feeling of staying at home to relax and enjoy the passing from 2003 to 2004. to be out there with the crowds is happening and fun, but to be at home with the family can be heart warming as well. who knows when we might get to spend new year with the family as we grow older? sooner or later, we start to hang around with friends more than family members, and then we become old enough to start a family. by that time, new year would most probably be spent with your kids and hubby/wife. when can we spend it together again with our parents?

hm. realised i've grown to understand my parents alot more these holidays. especially with the issue of neopets. tho it is just neopets, looking at how my parents get all excited and hyped up playing neopets is really a very nice scene to watch. like take my father, he works shifts for PSA and slogs like heell for them, only to get pay cuts and reduced bonus. but he still insists on getting good new year clothes for us like levis jeans. i could still remember, i was eyeing the levis leather wallet at bugis OG and he asked me to ask the person how much was it. even as it cost a filthy $44 bucks after discount, he still wanted to get it for me but i quickly told him not to buy it cos it was just another luxury item. and he still wanted the best for me. and my mum, being a housewife, is cooped up at home all day. for now, i'm already complaining of nothing to do when i stay at home and slack around. to think she is doing that for 365 days a year, 24 hours a day. she does step out to the market to buy groceries and an occasional shopping trip, she rarely steps out to enjoy herself. and she's not complaining. she could have chose to live her own life, get a job out there and not take care of the family 24/7 but she chose to do so. i wont be in RGS, HCJC if she dint do all that for me. i guess i really owe her alot, which cannot be repaid in monies. so the least i can do for my two loved ones, is to stay at home today and be with them, at the change of the year. there are plenty of days to go out and havoc and club, but today would be a special day to be with my parents. i dont tell them in face, but mommy and daddy, i love you. *muacks*

starting to like my little sister more and more. she's beginning to think more maturely and act more like an adult. though she still gets a tad irritaing sometimes, she doesnt try to pick an argument with me as much. maybe as everybody grows older, we start to think for others and understand each other. i sure hope her attitude continues to grow nicer, and girl if i earn enough monies once i start working, i'll treat you to your long awaited nydc yeah? your big sis loves ya too. who ever said big sisters are all evil? *grin* *big hint hint to ruoling and xinxin*

i seem to be thinking about alot of things tonight. actually, maybe over the past week, ever since monday. but i've been a lazy pig and havent gotten down to blogging for the past few days. maybe not in the mood to type nor in the mood to put my thoughts down in a fluent manner. maybe tonight's the night since it is the last day of the year and i just wanna round up my feelings for the year.

i spose many things have happened this year that made me look clearer in life and see for myself what i want exactly, who's really closest to me and are around when i need them and the precious lessons i've learnt over the year.

i still remember last night (or was two nights before..) when i was complaining to mok about cant finding a job. maybe i had too much bottled up within me and i never did tell anybody, but when he asked, i just felt i had to pour things out. and he made me feel better. tons better. made me see the real world was coming, right out there for me to explore and learn precious lessons out there. i used to think and was confident that i can survive in the real world better than some others because i'm a more interperson person (i.e. i can interact better with people and doing what i like boosts my confidence even more) but now im not sure. maybe i might outshine others in that particular area, but i know for sure my weakest point is my belief in people. once i like some people, i'll forever be loyal to them. stay by them, be with them when they're in trouble. but mok pointed out that your bestest friend can turn around and stab you in the back. then i started thinking, what if i ever come across such situations. i'll feel so (to infinity) down, depressed and demoralised such that i'll make a big fuss out of it. what will happen to me then? i really dont know. what happens, when i'm down and out, and is in need of help (no matter morally or financially or emotionally), will people whom i thought were friends come to my side and give me a helping hand? welcome to the real world dude. i really gotta prepare myself for the worst that might come along. at the most i'll just gotta stay in my own tiny world. but somehow i refuse to believe that the friends i have now are not going to help me in future. will you guys be there for me? i guess this is a tough question to ask. anything might happen in future and change the current status of friendship. but i wanna tell kor, thanks for giving me encouragement and utmost support and believing in my capabilities all thhis while. i'll prove you right and give you a treat when i get my first salary. whee. and you promise to entertain me if im bored at your commisioning ball yeah? *grin*

when i was on the bus home from town on monday, i was thinking about the issue of friends. just met up with yuan before that and saw junhui before i went home. like what i blogged earlier, i think i'm most "myself" when i'm with ruoling xinxin venus, and maybe sijia. as for the rest, it would be a mixture of both characters i guess. i can be real quiet (i.e. when im with junhui) or real chatty and talkative (esp around strangers). it really depends on who im with, i guess. when i was about to meet up with yuan that day, i suddenly got abit nervous, like not sure what we could talk about, or whether we would enjoy our time, or if yuan would find it troublesome just to meet me since eileen wasnt going with us. but it turned out pretty well, from my point of view. i dont really know what she thought about the meet up and all i can say is that i really enjoyed that day with her and i sure hope she felt the same way too. after all, i still treasure her as my friend and tho we spent a mere three months together, i still see her as a friend to catch up with. maybe the thing that bugged me was that she wanted to postpone the thing because yijian couldnt make it. postpone an outing just because yijian cannot make it? i know she's close to yijian and all, but i've come to realise that i'm no longer as close to yijian as before. which was a hell long time ago. all i wanted to do was just to meet up with her. so either she was worried that she would have nothing to say to me and wanted yijian there as another person to pei her, or she just dint wanna meet up without yijian. or maybe it was something else. i seriously dont know. maybe im just thinking too much.

i have this very bad habit of thinking too much about things. which i should change in the new year. which is tomorrow. i cant change something like that in just one day?!?
just told yuan at her blog to let things take their natural course. why cant i let mine be the same? but i know i cant, cos i like to be in control of things and know when what would happen. sheesh. im starting to feel down.

actually i realised that im one who dont pour out feelings easily. the only people i've ever poured out my emotions to, are probably xinxin and tim. maybe mok and ruoling too. but i cant really remember. cos that's the time when i either starts crying, or flares up. that's why xinxin usually gets the bulk of my temper. im so sorry dear. and i think tim heard me cry over the phone before. but i guess i only show my true emotions when i really cannot keep them capped on anymore and needs somebody to talk to. now i feel guilty at making them share my burdens. sigh.

oh. i got myself a job, finally. an admin job at hillgrove secondary. the people there seem really nice. if i can, i think i would spend my next six months there.. it's nice to be at a school when everybody else is at school. at least i'll feel normal like that. and it is only one busride, plus 10 mins of walking each trip. good exercise for myself i guess. finally im not the only one who doesnt have a job when the new year starts.

think i have a million things that i wanna say, or blog. but they just simply cannot come to my mind now. maybe i'll put them up later as i think about them. there i go again. think too much.