realised i havent blogged for three whole days. THREE. WHOLE. DAYS. something that prolly wont have happened in the past aint it? but put it this way la. i was busy on saturday, marking on sunday and upset yesterday and sunday night. no mood to blog lor. wanted to blog yesterday night but he called, so was talking to him over his friend's phone. to evade the phone history.

saturday evening was a special night. but sunday night, simply dragged us back to reality. doubly hurt and upset, but i knew things werent within his control, to put it this way. he cant help it if his mum felt that way. all i can commend, is that his mum has powerful sensitivity. now i'd wish, that everything dint happen. all the way from the very beginning. i dont wanna be embroiled in his family affair ultimately, and i know his mum's reasons are perfectly logical and made sense, from a mother's point of view. but i guess there comes a point in time where parents should know when to let go. and im glad my parents know when to do that. they started letting go, bit by bit ever since i stepped into jc. and till now, im pretty satisfied with the amount of freedom i have. so far.

i really dont know what to do, and what to say. logically speaking, we shouldnt even start. but speaking from the heart, ...... it has reached a point whereby i realise i do like him for himself. sometimes i really just dont know. would it be better for me to just fade away in his life, and just go, or to stay on, and see what happens? i believe, most people would tell me to just go. maybe i should, analysing it from a logical point of view. but both sides will be hurt. think he would be hurt more than i would be.
maybe maybe maybe.
i really dont know.

talked to him over lunch yesterday and i cried. in school. tears just couldnt stop flowing. it wasnt bawling, but just silent bleeding of the heart. it's better to face the problem now, head on. and to let wounds heal by itself slowly. im still thinking, but i know a decision has to be made as soon as possible. no point dragging. it wont do both sides any good.
and somehow after this whole issue, there seems to be something missing. something amiss. something not right. i just cannot put my finger on what's missing, what's absent. but somehow, somewhere, one particular piece of the puzzle just doesnt fit. it just doesnt. i dont know if it was the question he asked this morning, but i really dont know. dont know if that's the missing piece, and even if it is, i dont know the answer.

im back to the "i dont know" stage. where i started out from.
sam, if whatever i wrote up there hurt you, im sorry. but i did forewarn you not to read the posting.
maybe it was better that i blogged today instead of yesterday. if i blogged yesterday, my words would have been alot sharper. and the consequences might have been worse. i dont know.






saw the group story telling students from 1E2 yesterday after the phone call, to prepare them for the groups story telling competition. they lifted my spirits immensely. the way kayjun was pronouncing his words with a similar british accent, and the wacky facial expressions that dittaya was making as kerbau hittam, and justin who kept saying 'lao shi wo ZHEN DE ji bu de' when he knew specifically that i was his EL teacher, was soo cute. as usual, dittaya and justin. but i was surprised by kayjun's performance, he can speak english perfectly well! but im choosing 1E1 to represent hillgrove at the cluster level, because lemuel nazirul and syahirah can enunciate their words much better. although 1E2 would have put up a more entertaining performance.
sometimes i just simply love my sec ones. a bunch of lovable, cute and entertaining lot. even though they can be noisy at times. even though 1E2 chi hou can get on my nerves everytime he's in class. 1E2 would be perfect without that monkey. oops.

vented my frustrations on 2A1 this morning. cos they were making simply too much noise. simply too much. and the rudeness of the students there, are simply deserving for detention. told 2 boys 1 girl to stand up for talking while i was lecturing the class for noisiness, they simply refused. after two threatens to their form teacher, it dint help. only after i say the 'magic word' "if the three of them are not standing up, the whole class will get to miss their recess." tataz, the class glared icily at them and the two boys stood up. meijia simply shook her fists and remain seated, until i used the word 'mdm salbiah'. seems like the only person she's scared of is the discipline mistress. what the hell la. i dont teach your class so i dont quite give a damn. i just dont want your freaking class noise to disrupt others in other classes who just might want to learn. sheesh.

and eileen, if you're reading this, i would just like to point out. i dint know i had different dress sense from you guys. i dint know myself that i dont shop for clothes, or shoes.
put it this way la. maybe we aint keeping in touch, that's why you guys simply forgot all about me. thanks la.
but i do apologise for walking off with ruoling just like that. cos i thought you knew, we were going to get xinxin's present. AND we thought you guys were FOLLOWING us. until we reached the escalator and saw absolutely nobody in sight behind us.

i guess things like that happen after we leave school. no longer keeping in touch. and maybe by the time uni life begins, all of us might have forgotten the existence of one another by then.seriously. to think i thought my jc pals would be my life long friends. now it all seem like a big joke. maybe junhui was right. that secondary school friends are the friends for life. maybe two years is really too short to get to know a person well enough. as usual. me thinks too much. which is not surprising actually. if you dont know that trait of me by now, i guess you dont really know me at all.