argh i feel real sleepy.
supposed to be working on the LTB final presentation now but the words are going all blury in front of my eyes and i really feel very sleepy. and i think im paying more attention to the radio [class 95] and my book occasionally. dont know why im feeling so sleepy huh.

4 more weeks to end of term. somehow i dont quite want end of term.
but neither do i like life now. life now is stressful and tiring. like really tiring with all the datelines coming up. i like ruoling's anology of a dateline. "You're dead the minute you cross the line." that was what one rg teacher told her. i wonder which rg teacher. grin. but then again, when hols start, i'd feel even more lonely. i'll be wandering around home, with nothing to do, nobody to go out with, and other friends will be busy with their own business. how sad can that get? i had a taste of that early this year and i dont want to go through the same lonely period again.oh sigh oh sigh.

im hooked onto class 95.
if you dont want to grin like an idiot to yourself, or burst out laughing for no reason in public transport in the morning, please avoid glenn, rod and the flying dutchman. they often have me in stiches, making me unable to fall asleep and grinning like an idiot in the mornings when i travel to school.
oooh and i love their music, especially dinner jazz in the evenings, when im in my room slacking reading a book and chilling out to dinner jazz at the same time just before i start work again in the night. how lovely. grin. ooh and i want westlife's new album!! heard their new song today and it sounded so jazzy. ahhh and i miss boyband music recently. hence their new album makes the perfect solution for me. according to jean danker, they modelled this album like the rat pack trio. frank sinatra, dean martin and sammy davis jr. ahhhhhh. can somebody get it for me for christmas? im broke. wahaha. faintly amused by myself.

time flies.
so much has happened ever since school started. i thought things got better for me after sem break. which is true. a part of it improved, but the other part of it deproved. the workload part deproved. however i find myself feeling more at ease around people, my true side is starting to show a little. just watch me when im with joyce, yuan, or even, my LTB mates. they've seen me gone all high, a little mad, and a little whiny. haha. which does sound like me. i whine occasionally to certain people, i have a natural tendency to go high, especially when i used to be with 33 people, and of course, dint you know im madd? grin. i like my comns class friends. people like elaine, yixin [these two i see them in almost every class, esp elaine, considering she has the same timetable as me :) extremely nice people, but they have their own cliques la.], elaine [junhui's pri sch friend ;) ], jasmine, fir, jason, kelvin, minsheng, eileen.. though most of us are aquaintances, maybe casual friends at most, i find it easier to joke and crap with them. yea. and it helps alot that i see alot of them in my other classes as well. surprisingly i find it easier to joke around with my og people too. weizhong and gary la, considering i dont see the rest at all except for yilinn during stats. well i suppose the friends part has gotten a little easier. or maybe because, i've gotten used to being alone. moving around alone. not giving a damn when there's nobody around. yea. so i become appreciative when there's a little more company around me. i dont know. it sure takes time to get used to all these. and since i dint come in with a clique, i dont see myself settling down in a clique. its hard to penetrate a clique when everybody's all settled down in their own familar circles ever since sec school and jc. considering most of them came from acjc. and i still dont like THEM. you know who la. urgh. such people still get on my nerves. yeacks. disgusting irritating people.
oh wells. im bitching on my blog.
i suppose i'll miss my groups when projects are officially over, and everybody settles down to study. i know i hate being alone. but i have to get used to it. GET USED TO IT. damnit. i will miss my LTB group. after warming to them and getting all crappy and lame together.will miss the people whom i got to know better after term recess. and i wonder, if all these will continue as we go into the second sem. when we may or may not be in the same class all together. will all these be left floating in the air and uncontinued if we happen not to be in the same class anymore. frankly speaking, i like my current group now. as in the group of people i have for my classes. but would it still be the same next sem? although i would gladly have people like yuan and joyce with me, so as not to feel so lonely. sigh oh sigh. am i thinking too much again?i dont think so, since all these have always been bugging me. so it doesnt make a difference. i just dint know how to put it all out in words on my blog, thats all.i wonder who are the smu people reading my blog. if you are from smu, identify yourself kk.i dont suppose im in the smu blog circle. but after linking myself to dom kelvin and elaine, i suppose i became part of it. in a small way. read for all you want, but dont condemn me when i say i hate smu. because i really do. in some ways. but in some other ways, it has gotten more bearable.and dont ask me why am i here then, since i hate smu. because i know i've made a wrong choice and i dont want to be reminded of it. thank you.

i need to make a trip to je library soon. im getting over stressed.je library is the place where i seek peace and solace. when im upset, when im stressed i go there.the silence of the place is enough to keep me relaxed. and take me away from this horrible reality and lose myself in the world of books.
i did something quite crazy today too.took 3 full hours of public transport. from one place to another. reading book. fa notes. listening to class 95. and really, after all that 3 hours, i alighted from the bus a different person. i felt light and happy. relaxed. destressed. wonderful. not tired anymore. i realised i could do alot on a bus. long trip journeys. i can read, study, listen to music, curl up and sleep. and lean on the window like how a girl would lean on her boyfriend's shoulder to sleep. oh wow im treating the bus like my boyfriend, for lending me its pane to lean on. well at least its better than nothing to lean on. hahaha. amusing huh. im fine dont worry.just dont know why, been thinking of the nice times we once had. especially when im travelling.bus trips make me think. alot. but i always think alot. hmm.

i want mok to come back from aussie soon. i should talk to him, meet him for a meal or movie when he comes back from his training in aussie. after my exams. kor always have solutions for me. and encouragement to keep me going. whine. i miss his smses. heh. had fun msging wenhui yesterday too. after he reappeared from the depths of his medicine books. with a new phone considering he insists that somebody stole his hp when he so obviously lost it la. heh. we were talking about relationships in total, like how many times the couple should see each other etc. he's glued tight to char la volunteerily, hence i have nothing to say. but given our current schedule, i dont even have the time to date [not like anybody would wanna date me. ], not even maintain a relationship. and if i start on a new r/s now, i would owe him a meal. an expensive one. after all he said to console me that night. hence. if i ever get attached, he would be the last person to find out. wahahaha. but ultimately, i appreciate his smses all the time. and was vaguely touched, when he said he could recognise my number when i forgot to identify myself when i msged him to give him my number again for his phonebook. grin. but on second thoughts, if he had vaguely remembered, would he need to ask me for it? grin. wonder if he still reads this blog. his blog is DEAD. eh if you're reading this, have you given up on blogging le? haha.

i want to find the original me back in jc. the carefree unrestricted confident girl that i once was. i seemed to have lost all that. i dont know. am i still like that? i wonder what do the smu people see me as?concious? quiet? not confident? submissive? i dont know. i lost what i used to be. but i can tell you, i am not like that. but somehow, i dont know how to show the real me here.there's something blocking. something that i cant quite put my finger to. just something.oh wells.

looking forward to mamma mia on 06nov2004. i simply cannot wait. a night of fun and music :) ahhh. but i have tuitions the next two sundays. because i have a full day meeting for econs on this coming saturday, and mamma mia next saturday. grin. mamma mia, here we go again. :) and i'll see gab and fishball! :) but hey, yy, if gab is free this sat evening, i dont mind having dinner. my econs meeting is supposed to end at 6pm, and i'll be in sch. shall we meet? whee. i have plenty of work to do, but i decided to blog a super long entry today.

btw, does anybody know where to buy the manual for the twin heroes 3? xinxin HELP! im stuck and i think i need patches to patch the game cos i cannot move. im not stuck as "dont know what to do" but stuck as in literally stuck. I CANNOT MOVE!!! ahhh. i want to see what happened to jiang xiao xia, and jiang yun. the offsprings of the original twin heroes. i want to finish the game!!! if you dont read chinese wuxia, skip this please. lalala.

i realise, this blog shows the true me. behind the virtual reality. but i sound like my true self here.maybe thats why i used to blog so much when i had the time after uni started. maybe im in the mood to blog today. whee. maybe cos im feeling better after comns presentation. everybody's positive comments had a great impact on me. it sorta reminded me, maybe my true self is just lying there, waiting to resurface again. soon. i dont know. and im glad jason1 recognised that i had leadership qualities. that comment meant alot to me. cos i thought all that flew out of the window when i started uni life on such a low notch. everybody knows why. if not, return to the mid aug entries and you'll understand. kk i better stop, if not i'll be in contention with mei on who blogs more online everyday. she blogs in bits and pieces, i blog in long chunks. i think she got the blogging gene from me. or is it the other way round? but we aint blood related! grin. kk fine im crapping. miss ya roo. *hugs*