know what my greatest fear is?
to be left alone, not at my choice.
this fear can never be easily allayed. because there always lies the possibility of being ditched, or pangseh-ed as we usually call it nowadays.

today i was pangseh-ed by the rest of my fellow friends for finance test. one msged me early in the morning, saying that she was going to take the earlier finance test first, cuz there was sth wrong with her eyes again. then i received a msg from another, just 10 minutes before the earlier test saying that she had to go see doc, hence wanted to do the earlier test. the other two, dint even bother informing [i highly suspect its due to the fact that they are attached to each other and they dint quite bother informing. ] anyways. that left me and me alone to go for the test at 330 while the other 4 happily went for the one at 12. all cuz of various reasons and i was at home. thanks ah. the feeling of being pangseh-ed aint good. i just dont like the feeling. all too exposed and lonely. i never liked the feeling in the first place, unless i chose to isolate myself. but i dint. it wasnt my choice! oh wells. went for finance alone, was at biz lobby for booth collection money, and bumped into jeremy and hailing. asked me why i was in sch, so yea going for finance test. and jeremy thought why i dint go with the rest, and i was like "oh.." then he got the idea. kena pangseh-ed le. sians. the feeling was downright horrible. went to the sr, everybody around me was all year 2s. that dint help at all. i knew no one else in the class. if i were to go for ma test alone, i wont mind, cuz i know other people in the class. but not in finance cuz they're all year 2s! and they are so much more knowlegable. i felt at that point in time, my lack of studying will show very clearly during the test, with year 2s calmly doing their paper, and me busily flipping the textbook and suggested answers for clues to help me in the test. cuz im totally not prepared at all. totally. went into the sr, went direct to my usual seat. looked around and saw that i isolated myself. scrambled for another seat next to another year 2. the idea of sitting alone, further emphasising my isolation and loneliness did not entice me at all. yeacks. the test itself was ultimately alright. it felt more like a maths paper rather than a finance paper. i went through the entire paper not knowing a single shit about chapters 5 and 6. seriously. all i did was to apply the formula. and the theory questions are screwed that part i know, but there wasnt that many in the first place. so yea. predict prolly a B for this test. i hope. maybe slightly higher? shrugs. they thought the paper was easy, but they have the brains to begin with. like hello, my brains are empty. hence. im not as smart as them. hence. you get the idea. oh wells.

that was such a horrible experience.
next time im going by my own timing, no way am i gonna allow myself to be played out like this. no way man. the feeling sucked totally. sigh.



on a lighter note. i saw another cute guy on the bus today when i was going home! grin. one of the regular faces i usually see on the bus when im going to school on monday and wed for my morning classes. hee. and the interesting thing was that he took a double look at me before sitting down! hahahaha. i knew cuz i was looking at him. grin. but then again, my eyes could be playing tricks on me. muahaha. i was self entertaining myself on the way home considering finance test was over and i could afford to play till friday, when i have bgs class. whee. (:

im waiting to go online. my sister is using the net now. whine. i want my net to go online. and my lappie hasnt been able to detect wireless for quite a few days le. oh wells. and i saw yuan's lappie today! sooo super chio! hahahaha. it doesnt look like a imac, but for a toshiba, its damn chio! like seriously! hahahaha. she made my day today, when i saw her before finance and i was complaining to her about being pangseh-ed. then saw jess in the same sr preparing for her biz law presentation, and shuyi who walked in wondering if she was going to the right sr cuz i was standing in the doorway. the only person i missed was joyce! you ah! hahahaha.

sometimes i wonder, how much more of myself do i not know.
i seem to be finding out more about myself as i grow up. is that a good thing or a bad one?
i wonder.

tmr is cny eve! its also "go-back-hc-and-see-roo" day (:
wonder how many of my classmates are going back. i hope they do. then we can all lunch together. tho jy has a run in the morning at ecp. how weird. grin. then can see juniors also. and one grand junior who's gonna be on duty. reminder: bring her vday pressie tmr! its cheap but cute. bought it on the day we went to watch alfie at PS. (: elaine helped to choose the colour cuz i couldnt decide one myself. darn i really like it myself too. maybe i could go back to PS and get one for myself one day. grin.then new year comes along, and i'll see my little cousins, and some same age cousins, and pig out at the same time. then comes vday. honestly speaking, i fear the arrival of that day. not because i'll be lonely and by myself [cuz im single -duh-] but because of the fact that our first major event for SA events comn is happening on vday, and i dont quite have a good feeling about it. dont ask me why. i havent even finished collecting money for the vday booths! argh. people will always find means and ways to drag payment. like hello, not like the booth costs that much la. idiots. and i wonder if me and elaine are still in orientation main comn. i have a feeling not. havent checked out exactly with fir yet, though i did see him in sch today. sth about the main groups pulling their reps out and that includes both of us. anyways. i'd rather be a facil than in main comm, cuz i think being facils more fun (: get to know more people. grin. though the experience of organising a tertiary wide orientation camp would be good and enlightening. (: i'll just wait and see.


in the meantime, i shall enjoy my newfound freedom for a while. before i get back to catching up on my bgs readings which have been left untouched ever since week 1. now you know how far behind i am. new year is actually a good time to mug, gives you more time to catch up. at the same time, do my individual CT project, cuz presentation is next week. yawns. thinking of work makes me tireddd. yea yea im a slacker. exams are in 7 weeks time and im not worried. oh wells. grin. i'll take life at it comes. (: